Father, Forgive Me

I get so angry with people at times and then I just want to yell at the top of my lungs. I want to break something. I want to beat an inanimate object until it’s unrecognizable.

I think it’s better for me to lash out in order to release my frustrations. I have never attacked anyone. I haven’t hit anyone since third grade when I sat on Jimmy Gaffney’s chest. I’ve never hit either of my children. I believe that violence is the last refuge for the incompetent and should never be the resolution to a problem. To hit people, or bring physical pain, is wrong.

I don’t come home when I’m angry and kick the cat either. That wouldn’t be much better; and not at all for the cat. I do, however, believe it is healthier to release my pent up frustrations. I’ve beaten an electric pencil sharpener with a baseball bat until the blades were dull.

I don’t condone acts of violence, even against pencil sharpeners, though this one might have had it coming. I believe it’s best to be able to shrug off the things that would normally anger me. If I could let it go, I would. However, given the choice of being angry and holding it in, or being angry and taking a hammer to the guacamole dip, I choose the latter. I don’t like guacamole dip much anyway.

So I yell. I scream. My voice escalates from loud to louder as I get angrier. Actually, almost any emotion brings a rise in my voice. I am naturally loud, though my hearing is normal. My whole family is. Once, when my brother was visiting my Colorado home, we came out of my house to get into my car in the driveway to go to the store. My neighbors, sitting on their porch five houses down the block, about 100 yards away, clearly heard our conversation. They regale me with the story every 4^th of July picnic. I shrug, and smirk and look at my shoes. I was definitely raised by loud Italians.

Me, my ex and my daughter went back east for Thanksgiving one year. We visited my dear family in Connecticut; the one that raised me. When we left, the ex asked if my family was always mad at each other like that. I’m not sure even now she believes that we were not angry with each other. We just talk loud and yell to make our points. Sure, it’s not the best way to communicate but it’s our way. There’s a lot of love, joy, sarcasm, yelling, and grief in my family. I don’t say I’m sorry for the way I was raised, but I do understand it has left me with a lifetime of dysfunctions to repair. It gives me something to do while waiting for baseball season to return.

I do believe it is best to forgive. Even now, when I’m angry, I tell myself I am not angry at the person. I am angry at what the person did. You forgot about our date to go dancing so you’re playing checkers at your friend’s house? You left me ringing your doorbell holding the flowers I bought so you would look nice on our date? Boy, am I angry! But I am angry at what you’ve done, not with you. I’m probably not going to change your tire if it goes flat in the next day or two, but I won’t give you the flat either. Retribution is a terrible thing too.

Forgiveness is one of the reasons for life. It’s one of the things the entire human race has in common. Everyone has people they need to forgive. We need to forgive their trespasses against us if we expect our trespasses against others to be forgiven. Even the holiest and most sacred amongst us have trespassed against others.

It’s not good to hold a grudge against people either. Pencil sharpeners yes; people, no. We need to let it go. A grudge is like an infected cell inside our body. We can let that grudge go, forgive the person we’re holding the grudge against, thereby releasing that cell so the infection doesn’t cause us harm. Otherwise, the cell splits and grows. Before we know it, the cell becomes a growth. Then we might need the growth removed. There’s pain involved. Then the growth can become a tumor. The tumor can become cancerous. The suffering we face then is huge. Radiation, chemotherapy, and operations to remove the cancer are all possibilities. It’s far better to get rid of that infected cell while it’s still small, if it can avoid any of that other pain.

Best of all, we feel better by forgiving others. It’s hard to carry a grudge. Some grudges get so heavy; it takes a lot of effort to carry it all day. Wouldn’t it be better to just let it go, see a movie and enjoy yourself? I think so.

I understand this concept since I’ve thought about it so long and so often. It makes perfect sense to me. So why do I carry around my grudges?

Like I know!

Forgiveness is not something you can intellectualize. Forgiveness is something that has to come from your heart. I may know the intellectual lesson of forgiveness but putting it to practice, that is going to take more effort.

Oh well. I know I won’t be canonized this lifetime. I have issues and things to work on to make my life better. That’s what life is all about. Experiencing, doing and being. Thank you Universe for giving me all these things to work on! I may get depressed and apathetic, but I’ll never be bored!