Thursday, September 22, 2011

The Brain Tumor

I always marched to a different beat. I was the class clown and Student Body President in high school. I graduated college when I was 34. I ran away with the Circus twice, to be a casino dealer in Vegas and then to pursue a career as a statistician and writer of Major League Baseball. When the doctors discovered a softball sized brain tumor on the left side of my head, I was only 40 years old. My life changed drastically but I don't believe in coincidences.

The doctors tell me that the tumor probably grew for three to five years. They do not know what causes these tumors, so I guess I was just one of the lucky ones. My doctor wouldn't even give me the odds of morbidity so my guess is that it was quite serious. While it gave me a few laughs, it was no joke.

The night the doctors discovered the brain tumor from the MRI of my brain, I was elated. Going into the MRI, I was 40 years old, married and had a eleven year old daughter. I had spent the previous year having problems keeping a job, explaining things, even understanding my beloved comic strips, which I faithfully read every day. I knew that at 40 years of age, I was firmly entrenched in middle age, but nobody had warned me it was going to be this tough. I was in counseling to determine if I was suffering from depression even though I had spent nearly all of my 40 years being generally happy and satisfied.

When the doctors read the MRI and told me I had a brain tumor, I smiled! They did not allow me to drive home because of the tumor. They called my wife to pick me up. As she walked down the hall to my room, she could see me sitting on the bed waiting for her with a big smile!

She came into my room and the first words out of her mouth were, “They haven’t told you yet, have they?”

I replied, “Yes they have! Isn’t it great?”

“What is great about having a softball size brain tumor? You're crazy!”

“I am not crazy. And I am not suffering from depression. I have a brain tumor! Either they can fix it or they cannot. With depression, they have no idea how to cure it! I could be depressed for a week, month, year or the rest of my life. They are clueless when a depression will go away. I’m one of the lucky ones! I'm not depressed! I have a brain tumor!”

And so, my greatest medical adventure began.

It has certainly not been easy. Removing a softball from your cranium is never easy. However, I had a great doctor and great health insurance, which everyone should have.

I had my problems. The tumor had grown slowly, forcing my entire brain into one side of my head. Before the surgery, I had difficulty walking, talking, reading and writing. The doctors would not tell me anything about what to expect post surgery. I could wake up drooling with brain damage so bad I would need to be fed. On the other hand, I could wake up very normal. The doctors thought the answer lied somewhere in between. I doubted "normal" since my pre-tumor life was hardly normal.

The first thing I realized when I woke up from the surgery was that a tube was jammed into my throat. I could not speak. I could not ask about some of the important things in my life like how my daughter was, how the surgery went, did the Rockies trade for anyone or if the Broncos made it to the Super Bowl.

The weeks and months following the surgery I spent visiting various therapists to relearn how to walk, talk, read and write. More than ten years after the operation, I still have difficulty reading, understanding and concentrating. Sometimes I can fully understand a concept. Other times a simple concept will elude me. Because of my inability to concentrate and understand, I am on disability from my last employer.

My life and mental health have definitely changed. I appreciate life so much more now. My son was born about twenty-two months after the surgery, so some things were unaffected by the brain tumor. I spend all the time I can with my son. Watching him grow is a supreme pleasure that words cannot adequately describe. I love just watching him play with his friends, running around the amusements parks, exploring the museums and just being a child. I can't imagine the Universe giving me a better gift!

My daughter went to college and is now in her second year of law school. I wish she would visit more often, however, that is a common lament among parents. Because of insurance and Social Security, I do not have to worry about my next meal or the house payment. I have other concerns in my life, but nothing actually worth worrying about; another gift from the Universe.

Unless I hit the lotto, I will never be rich. However, I have already hit the life lotto. I have great friends from childhood and adulthood who visit me. I would not see them as often if I were not lucky enough to have had a brain tumor. I am watching my son grow to be a man, spending time with him that would make most parents envious. That is another opportunity I would not have if I were not lucky enough to have had a brain tumor. I am a friend and family millionaire because I hit the brain tumor lotto. I may not have the best life in the world, but I tell you one thing - nobody has it better than me!

Thank you Universe! You gave me one of the good brain tumors and I am grateful!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Something Powerful

The first time I heard an atheist talk about believing in prayer, I thought perhaps I was being mollified. I didn't understand what the appeal of prayer was to an atheist, but as I listened to what was being said, I certainly had to agree that he knew what prayer was about from my perspective.

This reinforced my belief that atheists are simply like people from Missouri, the Show Me State. Someone from Missouri once told me that he believed only half of what he saw and nothing of what he read. That was the same person who advised me that, “If they find you with a smoking gun, standing over a dead body, you need to admit nothing, deny everything and ask for more information.” In that lifetime we quickly adopted the advice as the modus operandi of some Teamster's Local of the AFL CIO. But I digress.

Prayer is the most powerful tool we have to communicate with the Universe. At prayer’s most basic level, it’s wishful thinking. Have you ever thought to yourself, I wish I could have blank (fill in the blank with anything you have ever wished for)? That’s a prayer. Wishing or hoping or wanting something, when you think the thought of desire, it is a prayer. You don’t need to get onto your knees and say, “Dear God; please! If I could only have that lovely, wonderful most beautiful kazoo, I would never ask for anything again!”

People who know me, know that I believe prayer works. There, I’ve said it. Why do I think people are shaking their heads, saying, “Oh that poor man. He is delusional.” I guess I’m self-conscious.

I don’t know how prayer works. I don’t know why it works. But I believe it works. I don’t know how or why TV and satellite radio work either, but I know mine work. If I had to understand how things worked for them to actually work, I’d still be a caveman with a ball and a stick trying to create a game called baseball. I know how baseball works! It’s TV, satellite and prayer I have problems explaining.

Let me try this explanation for prayer. I believe prayers work because of the power of positive thinking. I believe the book The Secret and almost everything it has to say. If you want something, the first thing you need to do is acknowledge you want it. That’s the first part of a prayer. Then you visualize it. Imagine having it and what you would do with it. The more time you spend doing these things, the more quickly anything can be brought into your life. If not, you will realize why you really didn’t want it in the first place and why.

Is there a god that grants prayers? I believe in god but I don’t believe god sits on a throne, listening to peoples prayers, doling out what s/he believes is the right thing for each prayer. That’s not how I believe it works.

God doesn’t really want to get involved. S/he has much more important things to do than to be responsible for the wish granting of humans on planet earth. But the Universe is a wonderful organism! It knows that thoughts are things too.

Prayers are thoughts but all thoughts are not prayers. I can think about how my son is doing; or what I’m going to have for dinner; or how much I really want tickets in the upper deck behind home plate for the next Rockies World Series game. One of these is not like the others. The last one is a prayer; several actually but let’s discuss specifically Rockies World Series tickets in the upper deck behind the plate.

Once that prayer is out there in the Universe, what is important is how much will be gained from the experience. Everything needs to be balanced. There are no coincidences. The more I want these tickets, the better my chances of getting them — an answered prayer. The more people want a prayer, the better the chance of it being answered. If you could get three or four billion of your closest friends to pray for me to get tickets in the upper deck behind home plate for the next Rockies World Series game, I guarantee it will happen.

The prayers that get answered are the ones where lessons can be learned. There are lessons to be learned from every experience but how the universe decides which lessons should be learned at which times is way beyond me, like satellite radio and TV. But I believe the Universe makes the decision and prayer influences the Universe’s decision. Call it the Universe or God, Yahweh, Jehovah, Allah, Divine Being, Creator, your higher power or Fred; whatever.

We’ve all heard about miraculous recoveries from cancer and diseases that should have killed people. Also, miraculous survival from an accident that should have killed people. These are answered prayers and they happen every day.

Admit it. You have miracles in your life. Be grateful for them. The Universe is on the job, doing the impossible, even the miraculous, answering our prayers, sometimes without our even knowing it! They’re the miracles in life. Thank you Universe! I am grateful for your generosity.